Monday, January 14, 2013

everything all at once, a compilation of thoughts.

Whenever I log on here I realize one thing; I always start blog posts, but I almost never finish them, or post them.

Today I'm coming with the simple idea that maybe I should.

As I sit here listening to The World From The Side Of The Moon album by Phillip Phillips, on repeat, I'm really just reminiscing in my life, wondering whats to come, and realizing how much has already passed.

Its January 6th 2013 today, and how much of my life has already past is one of the scariest things on the planet. In November I turned 18, and just the mere idea of being a full fledged adult is literally the most mind boggling thing I've ever experienced. I can't help but feel like im still 5 years old, even a freshman in high school, yet I sit here stressed out about the college apps I've yet to finish as well as the ones I've turned in and am terrified beyond belief about the future. The fact that in the next year so many things will change in my life is the weirdest feeling.  In the next year I'll finish high school, and go to college who knows where. I'll move away from home and in truth, my life will never really be the same as it is today again. I will never be a child, who lives at home, and goes to high school, and really doesn't have to worry about the entire world ever again after this year.  After this september to be frank.  Change has always been something which has plagued me. The scary part is that I'm excited at the same time. Everything in my life right now is so indifferent, and I don't know how to feel about it to honest.  The future is so unknown, so scary, so exciting, so everything at the same time, yet all I can do is sit here and wonder what will become of it.  All I want really is to be happy, yet with so many things so undetermined, I don't how anything will fold out.

Do you ever listen to a song and realize its exactly what you're thinking at that moment? this song pretty much sums that up right now.

"Scared of what's behind
you always scared of what's in front
live with what you have
and make the best of what's to come"
- Phillip Phillips

I want to do whats in these lyrics so badly, I want to make the best of what's to come yet I'm scared I won't.

The weird thing about my life right now is that I've come to the point of questioning my intelligence, a lot.  After college apps galore, and really just reminiscing in the things I think about on a regular basis, I've started to wonder how smart I actually am.  The thing about the human brain I've realized is that we all think we're smart, we all think we understand everything, yet the thing is we don't.  In school we've been reading The Republic by Plato, and one of his main theories is that the only thing he truly knows, is that he knows nothing.  In my life at this point I've come to the point where I feel like this could deem true, I think I'm intelligent, I really do, but at the same time, I don't. At the same time, I know there are a  million things in the world I don't know, and a million other things I'll never know. No matter how hard I try, because the worlds to big to understand, or even come into contact with everything.

A few weeks ago in my history class a guy called me ignorant, and as much as I'd like to say it didn't effect me, the thing is it did.  I can't stop thinking about it, even today, and I don't know why. I guess it's because I've always truly felt as if I've had a good grasp on the world, on the things around me. Being called ignorent for me was a sort of wake up call, maybe I needed it. The thing I've realized about myself recently is that I've always thought of myself as an openminded person, yet truly I judge people all the time.  If I could change one thing about myself right now no questions asked, it would be that, then again I guess it's just a part of human nature to judge.  Even though I'm open to most types of things, to lifestyles different than my own, I guess I don't truly get along with people who think drastically differently than me, to people who don't accept the same things I do.  Maybe I am ignorant to other sides of the story, the thing is I don't know, and that scares the living shit out of me.

I want to live a life I can be proud of, I want to live a life where I know I'm doing things that are right.  One thing I've always prided myself on is truly trying to learn about others. Other religions, ways of life, thought processes. I have the innate want to learn, to travel, to live, yet I don't even know how to begin doing that.

This year I've tried really hard to branch out, to live in the moment, and make sure I don't look back and wish I had done more.  The thing is that in my high school carrer so many shitty things have happened that I don't think I've ever truly been able to enjoy it. I've been so stuck in being sad, or just not even trying to do things with my life that I forgot that I was missing out on things, which is sad.  Junior year for me was mostly filled with homework and boardness, and the thing is I was never truly sad about this. I guess one problem I've always had is a fear of losing myself, I still have this fear but I think in the last few months I've gotten a better grip on it. I don't want to miss out, because when I'm 60 years old and looking back on my life, I won't be dreading the things I shouldn't have done, I'll be saddened by the things I never had the guts to try. I'll be saddened by the fact that I didn't live when I could, because youth only lasts for so long. I'm 18 years old, and I can't sit here and tell you that I've had a lot of meaningful wonderful moments I'll never forget. I can't tell you I have a lot of nights I'll never forget, or a lot of nights I may regret. I live a life without taking chances, and thats not who I want to be.

Branching out for me isn't the easiest of feats, and I guess the thing is that I've always wanted to live differently but never known how.  2013 I think I'm going to try to change that.

- that girl, a compilation of millions of thoughts.

(and of course I'm posting this way later than I started, but better late than never I guess)