Sunday, June 24, 2012

Time is such a weird concept. Forgetting is even harder.

When looking through some old accounts on websites I used to have tonight, I found this makeshift "blog" post from the end of freshman year. 

Read this with the idea that it was written not only a few years ago, but also when I was evidently not in the perfect state of mind. The grammar is pretty much cringe worthy, yet I want to keep the authenticity of it for future readings, even if I am aching to change it. (the same reason I leave previous blog posts alone)

"I hate who i pretend to be. i hate that im not always me. i hate that im depressed 90% of the time. i hate that im not happy with my life. i hate that i cant do the things i love. i hate that my parents cant afford everything they used to able to. i hate that i live in a such a spoiled world of people who dont understand what its like to not be able to do whatever i want. i hate that i might have to switch schools next year because of finical trouble. i hate that if i switch school it'll be the third time in three years. i hate that my sister doesnt understand it when im sad. i hate that i completely broke down tonight. i hate that i dont truly trust any of my friends. i hate that high schools so fake. i hate that i have exams in the morning. i hate that i cant find it in myself to actually study. i hate that its already 11.19. i hate that my drivers ed lady was so stupid so i still dont have my permit. i hate that i probably wont get my licence until im 16 and a half unlike everyone else. i hate that im crying right now. i hate that people are so full of themselves. i hate that i actually have to make a list of things i hate to make me feel better. i hate that im older than most people in my grade. i hate that i finally accomplished something, by getting into an amazing drama camp this summer and i cant go. i hate that i cant go because its to expensive. i hate that everyone i know still thinks im going, and im gonna have to tell them soon. i hate that they actually called my house, and told me i was special (they only call a few people) and yet, i cant go. i hate that my parents got my hope u and told me i could go at first. i hate that i dont get to see a Broadway show like i wanted to. i hate that my parents promise me s much that never happens. i hate that i hate my life so much, when i know people have it so much worse than i do. i hate that someone i know just died form cancer. i hate that i never get to go on vacation.i hate that i never have any inspiration. i hate that i cant play guitar. i hate that im so awkward. i hate that im almost never completly happy. i hate that music can completly describe anything im going through. i hate that i spelled so many things wrong in this, and im to lazy to fix them. i hate this list of things that i hate."

It's weird to look at this considering how much has changed in the last two years; to think of where I truly was in myself then, considering where I may have thought I was. Memories are a weird thing, when I think of freshman year at this point in time, the end of junior year, I think of a time when I was generally happy to say the least, yet reflecting on the things I said in this post, I realize I wasn't.  It's weird to realize how many things you forget over time, to realize how many things don't have a lasting effect on your life. To think that in a few years time, my memories of that year will be even less there, even more tainted. It's even weirder to realize that the things I do now, such as writing this blog post, will be forgotten as well. To think that only the major events are the ones I'll remember, and some of those will be lost as well. Even though all the little things are the things which shape me into who I will be in the future, they still go seemingly unnoticed when you're living your life.  At a point seven, or eight year old me probably went through something drastic, something that I thought I would never forget, yet the memory is gone completely; vanished into a sea of the unknown. Which is a terrifying thought to say the least, because it means that the things which truly were important to me at one point, are gone, and even though they meant the world, my mind simply doesn't have enough room to remember every little detail of my life. I'm changing constantly, and because your experiences are what make you yourself, the fact that I'm losing old memories that at one point shaped me means I'm one hundred percent evolving into another person. The old me is long lost, which is terrifying. 

It's weird to have the revelation that what I do now simply, in the grand scheme of things, doesn't matter.

You like to think that you never truly change, that you learn and understand more, but at the core your still yourself. I guess in my mind I'm starting to doubt this idea as being true. Maybe it's just the completely out of my mind philosopher/over thinker part of me that's thinking this, but am I wrong. I can say that I am now completely different than I was at three years old, with complete serenity.  Maybe this wears off as you get older, and find yourself, maybe once your an adult you come to a sort of stopping point and find your true self. Maybe all growing up really is is changing, not just the way you look evolving but who you are, and then cone your done growing physically, you come to a sort of stop mentally. Except your always learning which makes me think that you must change.

And here I am analyzing every little detail of everything, even though quite frankly it doesn't matter. Life will move on whether I figure out a final idea on this or not, even though I highly doubt I'll ever come to a conclusion to be frank being as indecisive as I am.

I guess this whole blog post just connects to the reason I wanted to make this blog; so I can remember the little things.  On the off chance that I actually come back to this blog in two years, or even twenty I want to be able to remember some of the little things I may have thought as unimportant as they may be, just so that maybe I'll still be able to understand a past me, and hold onto it. Losing myself is one of my biggest fears, and maybe this blog will help.

-That Girl incredibly confused as to everything that matters yet at the same time doesn't.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Back Again? Reflections.

Ten months later and I'm back; once again.
I always come back, don't I?

It's weird to think I made this blog all the way back freshman year, considering at this moment I've just finished up my junior year. So many things have changed it would be impossible to recount them all, which is a strange feeling to say the least. 

I feel like its this time of year I come back to this blog every year which makes me ponder the relevance and weight this blog has on my life. As I sit here, I'm starting to realize I have no idea why I wanted to come here, and write again, after all this time. This, two years ago, was such an outlet for me, and even though I typed in a way that makes me cringe at this point, I feel like maybe it was a good idea to start this, to have a living memory of me before. The idea that I can look back on a glimpse of my life and recount what happened, to me, in the past is a weird one, now looking back it makes me realize how valuable it was. Almost like going back through facebook and remembering all the memories through pictures, except through my own words which is more intimate in a sense.

Even though I'm not in love with the things I said, its nice to see who I was, considering how much I'd like to think I've changed since then. Maybe I've changed less than I think I have, but typing now, and realizing that in the future I'll probably have the same itch I did today to come back and reminisce, is making me want to start this whole writing thing all over again. Either continuing this blog (which is seeming better as I type) or starting a new one being the main question roaming around my thoughts. A new chapter in my life could be nice, considering this blog reflects a past me, that does not exist in every sense any longer. Yet, continuing seems like something which could help me to look back in the future and see the definitive changes that have encompassed me. Its strange to think of a past me, being different, not knowing the same things, and not understanding the same things as I do now.

When I look back on the last year of my life I realize how many thing have changed, including just my overall outlook on life. Even though I don't always like to admit it, school has definitely taught me a lot about life in more ways than I can even fathom, both in and out of the classroom.

Last year I left a year of school being easy, of school never really having to take up a big portion of my life, even though i may have argued with that then. Whereas now I'm, as of a week ago, coming out of the hardest academic year of my life. Just last week when I was in the heat of the end of the school year, I might have said I regretted taking the classes I did, but now looking back I realize how many things I've learned from going through what I did. In the last year, I faced the wrath of the IB program, a program thrust upon students all over the world (the only thing which makes you feel better about it, kids around the entire planet are going through the exact same thing as I am). The thing about it, to be plain, is that it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my seventeen years. It was something which made me want to give up on so many occasions I don't even know how to explain it, and I'm not even done.

When I look back on my classes, I don't think to myself how some of them were a breeze like I did previously in my life, fore they were all hard in their own ways. They were all terrible at some point in time, or so it seemed. From English, which for the first time kicked my butt, to French which I've never been good at, and I struggled at once again, to AP US History, which was literally the hardest class I have ever taken, and honestly will ever take again. To think from tok, a class which helped me really just think about life in a new perspective and write, a lot. To Philosophy, which helped me realize what kind of person I want to be in the future, to Pre-Calc, which kicked my butt in a way a math class has never done before. I can honestly say I came out a better person. Thinking about my grades may make me want to cry, because I don't feel like they reflect the type of person I am, or want to be, but maybe that's what I needed to help kick me out of the bubble of security I was so comfortable in. Thinking about how my grades might affect me in College terrifies me, yet I sit here right now, for once in my life and realize how different I would be had I not gone through them. Somehow I, (me, myself, and I) survived.

In the last year so much has happened to me that I wish I had just written down, and while my life seems as boring as watching grass grow in my mind, I'm starting to realize that in the future being able to look back is the best thing that I can ask for. Because the small moments now, are still the things which shape me into who I'll be for the rest of my life, and remembering some of the small events that help lead to who I'll become is a nice thought.

When I look at the last year as a whole, from the losses, and the breakdowns, to the happy moments its weird to think its all already in my past, just so biter sweet. "Today is the oldest you've ever been, and the youngest you'll ever be again" is a quote which helps to grasp the feeling I've been having lately.  Time goes by so fast and its terrifying. I still, honest to god, remember being ten years old like it was yesterday. As a person I've never been one of those people who has wanted to get older, really, I've been more of the person whose always been afraid to get older, to pass life by, of whats to come. Most people always want to get that one step further, to get to that new level of freedom, yet I've always just been fine where I am, I've always just wanted to stay where I am. It connects to the fact that I'm terrified of things changing I suppose. The idea of not knowing whats to come has always baffled me a little bit, and its getting even worse as time goes bye. Looking to the future I'm starting to realize just how fast its all going to go, and how many big events aren't that far off anymore. Graduating High school is just around the corner, and I don't know if I'm ready for that. I don't know if I'm ready to move out, and live my life on my own, yet its still coming faster than I can fathom.

In the last week I've seen the grade above me, class of 2012, graduate and move on, and to think that's whats in my future, in just one year, is the most mind boggling thing. With them moving on, I can't help but feel a sense of security go away. While I wasn't all that close with anyone two grades ahead of me, a few people but not an overwhelming amount, when it comes to the grade only one above me I'm losing a lot of friends. In the last year, I've gotten so close to so many people who are going to college next year, and just the thought that I won't see them pass me by in the hallways anymore is terrifying. Its comforting to not be the oldest to a certain extent, and even though I'm pumped to be a senior, I'm scared too. To think that little ol' me will be at the top of the food chain that is high school is the craziest thing I've ever heard, considering it feels like I was an itty bitty freshman starting this blog just yesterday. To think in the next year that I'll not only be worrying about my grades, but college applications and acceptances. Hence at this point in time I've only taken the SAT once, and visited three schools.

The last three years have gone by so fast, I've moved schools, moved houses, and grown up a lot. In the last year alone, I've learned so much I don't even know where to start. I've realized the value of a life after seeing people pass away, including the girl I talked about in my last post. last august not only her but another boy I knew passed away, and to say the least, that jerked me into realizing that I can't take life for granted anymore, because we never know how much time we have left. Time is definitely a precious thing, and even though it took tragedy to make me completely figure that out, I'm glad that lesson was learned. I've learned that even when things seem impossible, such as AP US History and Pre-Calc, somehow its always possible to get through if I keep trying. I've learned that the world isn't as much cotton candy and bubble gum as I originally thought. I realized how many things are messed up with the world, but I've also learned how to look at the world through a new perspective of philosophy. I've gone through Existential crisis's, and I've used some of the dumbest things to help myself cope with the amount of stress I've gone through. I've learned how to stand my ground when I was tempted to do things that even though I don't object, don't feel like I should do have crossed my path. I've learned how to pull an actual all nighter, and I think I've learned what it takes to truly be happy.

Even though I've never been completely happy with my life, and even though this year has brought an unreal amount a challenged upon me, I've figured myself through them all, which can only mean anythings possible.  "A rainbow always comes after the storm" rings true in life, and things will always get better and I know that. Happiness isn't something I can just wait for, but something I have to go after.

Over the next summer I've decided that I want to be happy. Plain and simple. That I want to let myself go, because I've always been such an uptight person. I've never really been the one to take risks in order to get what I may want, but I'm willing to do that this summer, I'm willing to go out of my comfort zone I suppose; and I want to blog about my experiences.

This blog post has become a lot more and less than what it was initially intended to be, which I can either dwell on or just let be; I choose the latter.

-That Girl reflecting on her past, and looking towards the future.