The last few months have been hard. I've started blog post after blog post that has rehashed the reasons why I am unhappy, yet I haven't done anything to change that.
Depression is a scary thing, to do the things you've always done, yet to not take the same enjoyment form them anymore. I'm sick of not letting myself be happy, so today:
I am making a pledge to myself.
A pledge to be happy.
Unabashedly and unapologetically happy.
The last semester for me has been a blur to say the least. A blur of not giving myself the means to enjoy my life. A blur of sadness and anger and jealousy, and every other emotion I can think of. A blur of what I'm not sure could be avoided, yet a blur that I am not willing to go back to.
But today, sitting outside on a random bench, reading a book that I was assigned, I feel happy.
And I'm starting to realize that happiness takes work.
Happiness takes trying your best, and knowing yourself, and taking the steps to get yourself there.
It means being unapologetically yourself, and doing little things every day that continue to make you happy.
While I don't believe in the myth that happiness comes completely from within, and I understand that sometimes your own brain is against you, and happiness is nearly impossible.
I do, however, believe that happiness, in part, does come form a choice.
Today I am in a place in my life where happiness is possible, and I want to take advantage of this.
I want to listen to good music, and talk to cool people, and live my life in a way that makes me happy each day. Today this is possible, and I am going to do my damnedest to make sure that I do the best that I can to make happiness a reality in my life for the rest of the summer, and hopefully the rest of my life.
Happiness is not about everything being perfect, and it isn't about the things that happen to you outwardly either. Happiness, I believe, is the state of rest in which your outlook on life does not let you look down.
I've been listening to Walk the Moons album Talking is Hard on repeat for the last hour, sitting outside, and reading a book, and today, for me, this is happiness.
It doesn't have to be the big things. It can be a stranger smiling at you, or that really nice nap. It can be finishing your homework quickly, or an ice cream cone. It can even be the outlook you have on that day in general.
I want to do something everyday that makes me glad that I woke up. I want to do something everyday that makes me happy in even the smallest of ways. By cooking something that I like, or catching up with a friend, or watching a movie that makes me happy.
From exercising, to sitting on the beach, I will be happy.
I'm challenging myself today to do the happy project. To force myself to reflect and to understand myself. To say "yes" more often, and to do things, ultimately, that make me happy. To think every night, today was good for this reason, even if it wasn't for another.
I couldn't be more excited, or scared, and everything in between, but today I am ready to change.
-That girl,
making sure she survives
