Radiate It

I want to radiate happiness. I want to be positive. I want to nix the negativity that I’ve had since I don’t even remember when.  I want people to be happy to be around me.  To feel like I bring happiness along with me.  I want to be good again.

Today I was thinking about eighth grade.

While random, I realized that this is probably where things changed for me.

It was ninth grade when I started to be sad, and I think it was ninth grade where I started to lose the light that was inside me.

A lot of things have happened, some good, some bad, and while I realize the impact that circumstances can have on who you are, I can’t help but look back and wish it was different.

Look back and wish I was different.

I can’t look back at high school and see happiness.  I can’t look back at high school and see much but how lost I was.

And while I wasn’t sad the whole time, while it wasn’t all bad, it wasn’t good either.

I love to smile more than almost anything, and I just wish there were more of those.

I’ve lived so much of my life being afraid of so many things, and I’m done.

I’m done, and I’m ready to change, and I think I’ve already started.

-That Girl, Hopefully Happy

The Happiness Project

The last few months have been hard.  I've started blog post after blog post that has rehashed the reasons why I am unhappy, yet I haven't done anything to change that.

Depression is a scary thing, to do the things you've always done, yet to not take the same enjoyment form them anymore. I'm sick of not letting myself be happy, so today:

I am making a pledge to myself.
A pledge to be happy.
Unabashedly and unapologetically happy.

The last semester for me has been a blur to say the least.  A blur of not giving myself the means to enjoy my life.  A blur of sadness and anger and jealousy, and every other emotion I can think of.  A blur of what I'm not sure could be avoided, yet a blur that I am not willing to go back to.

But today, sitting outside on a random bench, reading a book that I was assigned, I feel happy.
And I'm starting to realize that happiness takes work.

Happiness takes trying your best, and knowing yourself, and taking the steps to get yourself there.
It means being unapologetically yourself, and doing little things every day that continue to make you happy.

While I don't believe in the myth that happiness comes completely from within, and I understand that sometimes your own brain is against you, and happiness is nearly impossible.

I do, however, believe that happiness, in part, does come form a choice.

Today I am in a place in my life where happiness is possible, and I want to take advantage of this.

I want to listen to good music, and talk to cool people, and live my life in a way that makes me happy each day.  Today this is possible, and I am going to do my damnedest to make sure that I do the best that I can to make happiness a reality in my life for the rest of the summer, and hopefully the rest of my life.

Happiness is not about everything being perfect, and it isn't about the things that happen to you outwardly either. Happiness, I believe, is the state of rest in which your outlook on life does not let you look down.

I've been listening to Walk the Moons album Talking is Hard on repeat for the last hour, sitting outside, and reading a book, and today, for me, this is happiness.

It doesn't have to be the big things.  It can be a stranger smiling at you, or that really nice nap.  It can be finishing your homework quickly, or an ice cream cone.  It can even be the outlook you have on that day in general.

I want to do something everyday that makes me glad that I woke up.  I want to do something everyday that makes me happy in even the smallest of ways.  By cooking something that I like, or catching up with a friend, or watching a movie that makes me happy.

From exercising, to sitting on the beach, I will be happy.

I'm challenging myself today to do the happy project.  To force myself to reflect and to understand myself.  To say "yes" more often, and to do things, ultimately, that make me happy.  To think every night, today was good for this reason, even if it wasn't for another.

I couldn't be more excited, or scared, and everything in between, but today I am ready to change.

-That girl,
making sure she survives

Once Again

and once again... It's taken me over a year to post something new

The amount of things that have happened in the last year and a half (it's actually been that long? holy shit)  are ridiculous. I've applied and gotten into college, graduated high school, had my last summer of living at home, started college, applied for a summer abroad program, finished my freshman year of college, and most recently, finished studying abroad in europe for the past six and a half weeks. As cliche as it sounds, time flies.  It's beyond ridiculous to think of where I was the last time I updated this blog.  How much I've evolved since then.  I've had the opportunity to visit the other side of the country on more than one occasion, as well as the other side of the ocean.  I've had the opportunity to live away from my parents, and to experience the world on my own terms.

Today, I still remember a lot of things from the last years and a half, yet at the same time it's weird to think of how many things I've forgotten about.  Some of the biggest changes of my life have occurred, I've moved out and seen parts of the world that I had no idea I would get the chance to see so soon.  Last summer I'd never been to the west coast non the less across the ocean, yet in the last year and a half I've been to California twice (San Francisco, and LA), as well as Las Vegas, New York, and most recently Italy, France, and England.  While I'd like to think these experiences have given me a lot of insight, it's weird to think of how different my life is even at home at this point.

The last time I used this blog I was still in my senior year, with no idea where I would go to college. Still terrified that I wouldn't end up someplace that I liked.  Luckily, after letters ranging in all directions from colleges I've applied to, I did find a place where I think I can call myself happy.  College is weird.  It's weird knowing that after this, I'm done with school, that I'm expected to get a real job, or go to grad school, or do something very much concrete.  I guess I've learned that you never truly feel like you've grown up.  Today at 19 years old,  I still feel like a kid, a kid with the whole world ahead of me.  Yet, today, it's already time to be going towards what I'll be doing for the rest of my lfie.

Once again in the time since I've posted, I've started a umber of posts ranging from my feelings on starting college, to how happy i've been, to how upset things have made me.  I wish I could go back and blog once a month in the last months of my life, so that I could have a more clear memory of the times scripted someplace, but once again I've slacked.

_____________________________

...and once again I've slacked even more, and failed to finish a post for another three months.  This time I'll just post what I finished.

everything all at once, a compilation of thoughts.

Whenever I log on here I realize one thing; I always start blog posts, but I almost never finish them, or post them.

Today I'm coming with the simple idea that maybe I should.

As I sit here listening to The World From The Side Of The Moon album by Phillip Phillips, on repeat, I'm really just reminiscing in my life, wondering whats to come, and realizing how much has already passed.

Its January 6th 2013 today, and how much of my life has already past is one of the scariest things on the planet. In November I turned 18, and just the mere idea of being a full fledged adult is literally the most mind boggling thing I've ever experienced. I can't help but feel like im still 5 years old, even a freshman in high school, yet I sit here stressed out about the college apps I've yet to finish as well as the ones I've turned in and am terrified beyond belief about the future. The fact that in the next year so many things will change in my life is the weirdest feeling.  In the next year I'll finish high school, and go to college who knows where. I'll move away from home and in truth, my life will never really be the same as it is today again. I will never be a child, who lives at home, and goes to high school, and really doesn't have to worry about the entire world ever again after this year.  After this september to be frank.  Change has always been something which has plagued me. The scary part is that I'm excited at the same time. Everything in my life right now is so indifferent, and I don't know how to feel about it to honest.  The future is so unknown, so scary, so exciting, so everything at the same time, yet all I can do is sit here and wonder what will become of it.  All I want really is to be happy, yet with so many things so undetermined, I don't how anything will fold out.


Do you ever listen to a song and realize its exactly what you're thinking at that moment? this song pretty much sums that up right now.


"Scared of what's behind
you always scared of what's in front
live with what you have
and make the best of what's to come"
- Phillip Phillips

I want to do whats in these lyrics so badly, I want to make the best of what's to come yet I'm scared I won't.

The weird thing about my life right now is that I've come to the point of questioning my intelligence, a lot.  After college apps galore, and really just reminiscing in the things I think about on a regular basis, I've started to wonder how smart I actually am.  The thing about the human brain I've realized is that we all think we're smart, we all think we understand everything, yet the thing is we don't.  In school we've been reading The Republic by Plato, and one of his main theories is that the only thing he truly knows, is that he knows nothing.  In my life at this point I've come to the point where I feel like this could deem true, I think I'm intelligent, I really do, but at the same time, I don't. At the same time, I know there are a  million things in the world I don't know, and a million other things I'll never know. No matter how hard I try, because the worlds to big to understand, or even come into contact with everything.

A few weeks ago in my history class a guy called me ignorant, and as much as I'd like to say it didn't effect me, the thing is it did.  I can't stop thinking about it, even today, and I don't know why. I guess it's because I've always truly felt as if I've had a good grasp on the world, on the things around me. Being called ignorent for me was a sort of wake up call, maybe I needed it. The thing I've realized about myself recently is that I've always thought of myself as an openminded person, yet truly I judge people all the time.  If I could change one thing about myself right now no questions asked, it would be that, then again I guess it's just a part of human nature to judge.  Even though I'm open to most types of things, to lifestyles different than my own, I guess I don't truly get along with people who think drastically differently than me, to people who don't accept the same things I do.  Maybe I am ignorant to other sides of the story, the thing is I don't know, and that scares the living shit out of me.

I want to live a life I can be proud of, I want to live a life where I know I'm doing things that are right.  One thing I've always prided myself on is truly trying to learn about others. Other religions, ways of life, thought processes. I have the innate want to learn, to travel, to live, yet I don't even know how to begin doing that.

This year I've tried really hard to branch out, to live in the moment, and make sure I don't look back and wish I had done more.  The thing is that in my high school carrer so many shitty things have happened that I don't think I've ever truly been able to enjoy it. I've been so stuck in being sad, or just not even trying to do things with my life that I forgot that I was missing out on things, which is sad.  Junior year for me was mostly filled with homework and boardness, and the thing is I was never truly sad about this. I guess one problem I've always had is a fear of losing myself, I still have this fear but I think in the last few months I've gotten a better grip on it. I don't want to miss out, because when I'm 60 years old and looking back on my life, I won't be dreading the things I shouldn't have done, I'll be saddened by the things I never had the guts to try. I'll be saddened by the fact that I didn't live when I could, because youth only lasts for so long. I'm 18 years old, and I can't sit here and tell you that I've had a lot of meaningful wonderful moments I'll never forget. I can't tell you I have a lot of nights I'll never forget, or a lot of nights I may regret. I live a life without taking chances, and thats not who I want to be.

Branching out for me isn't the easiest of feats, and I guess the thing is that I've always wanted to live differently but never known how.  2013 I think I'm going to try to change that.

- that girl, a compilation of millions of thoughts.

(and of course I'm posting this way later than I started, but better late than never I guess)

Time is such a weird concept. Forgetting is even harder.

When looking through some old accounts on websites I used to have tonight, I found this makeshift "blog" post from the end of freshman year. 

Read this with the idea that it was written not only a few years ago, but also when I was evidently not in the perfect state of mind. The grammar is pretty much cringe worthy, yet I want to keep the authenticity of it for future readings, even if I am aching to change it. (the same reason I leave previous blog posts alone)

"I hate who i pretend to be. i hate that im not always me. i hate that im depressed 90% of the time. i hate that im not happy with my life. i hate that i cant do the things i love. i hate that my parents cant afford everything they used to able to. i hate that i live in a such a spoiled world of people who dont understand what its like to not be able to do whatever i want. i hate that i might have to switch schools next year because of finical trouble. i hate that if i switch school it'll be the third time in three years. i hate that my sister doesnt understand it when im sad. i hate that i completely broke down tonight. i hate that i dont truly trust any of my friends. i hate that high schools so fake. i hate that i have exams in the morning. i hate that i cant find it in myself to actually study. i hate that its already 11.19. i hate that my drivers ed lady was so stupid so i still dont have my permit. i hate that i probably wont get my licence until im 16 and a half unlike everyone else. i hate that im crying right now. i hate that people are so full of themselves. i hate that i actually have to make a list of things i hate to make me feel better. i hate that im older than most people in my grade. i hate that i finally accomplished something, by getting into an amazing drama camp this summer and i cant go. i hate that i cant go because its to expensive. i hate that everyone i know still thinks im going, and im gonna have to tell them soon. i hate that they actually called my house, and told me i was special (they only call a few people) and yet, i cant go. i hate that my parents got my hope u and told me i could go at first. i hate that i dont get to see a Broadway show like i wanted to. i hate that my parents promise me s much that never happens. i hate that i hate my life so much, when i know people have it so much worse than i do. i hate that someone i know just died form cancer. i hate that i never get to go on vacation.i hate that i never have any inspiration. i hate that i cant play guitar. i hate that im so awkward. i hate that im almost never completly happy. i hate that music can completly describe anything im going through. i hate that i spelled so many things wrong in this, and im to lazy to fix them. i hate this list of things that i hate."

It's weird to look at this considering how much has changed in the last two years; to think of where I truly was in myself then, considering where I may have thought I was. Memories are a weird thing, when I think of freshman year at this point in time, the end of junior year, I think of a time when I was generally happy to say the least, yet reflecting on the things I said in this post, I realize I wasn't.  It's weird to realize how many things you forget over time, to realize how many things don't have a lasting effect on your life. To think that in a few years time, my memories of that year will be even less there, even more tainted. It's even weirder to realize that the things I do now, such as writing this blog post, will be forgotten as well. To think that only the major events are the ones I'll remember, and some of those will be lost as well. Even though all the little things are the things which shape me into who I will be in the future, they still go seemingly unnoticed when you're living your life.  At a point seven, or eight year old me probably went through something drastic, something that I thought I would never forget, yet the memory is gone completely; vanished into a sea of the unknown. Which is a terrifying thought to say the least, because it means that the things which truly were important to me at one point, are gone, and even though they meant the world, my mind simply doesn't have enough room to remember every little detail of my life. I'm changing constantly, and because your experiences are what make you yourself, the fact that I'm losing old memories that at one point shaped me means I'm one hundred percent evolving into another person. The old me is long lost, which is terrifying. 

It's weird to have the revelation that what I do now simply, in the grand scheme of things, doesn't matter.


You like to think that you never truly change, that you learn and understand more, but at the core your still yourself. I guess in my mind I'm starting to doubt this idea as being true. Maybe it's just the completely out of my mind philosopher/over thinker part of me that's thinking this, but am I wrong. I can say that I am now completely different than I was at three years old, with complete serenity.  Maybe this wears off as you get older, and find yourself, maybe once your an adult you come to a sort of stopping point and find your true self. Maybe all growing up really is is changing, not just the way you look evolving but who you are, and then cone your done growing physically, you come to a sort of stop mentally. Except your always learning which makes me think that you must change.


And here I am analyzing every little detail of everything, even though quite frankly it doesn't matter. Life will move on whether I figure out a final idea on this or not, even though I highly doubt I'll ever come to a conclusion to be frank being as indecisive as I am.

I guess this whole blog post just connects to the reason I wanted to make this blog; so I can remember the little things.  On the off chance that I actually come back to this blog in two years, or even twenty I want to be able to remember some of the little things I may have thought as unimportant as they may be, just so that maybe I'll still be able to understand a past me, and hold onto it. Losing myself is one of my biggest fears, and maybe this blog will help.

-That Girl incredibly confused as to everything that matters yet at the same time doesn't.

Back Again? Reflections.

Ten months later and I'm back; once again.
I always come back, don't I?


It's weird to think I made this blog all the way back freshman year, considering at this moment I've just finished up my junior year. So many things have changed it would be impossible to recount them all, which is a strange feeling to say the least. 


I feel like its this time of year I come back to this blog every year which makes me ponder the relevance and weight this blog has on my life. As I sit here, I'm starting to realize I have no idea why I wanted to come here, and write again, after all this time. This, two years ago, was such an outlet for me, and even though I typed in a way that makes me cringe at this point, I feel like maybe it was a good idea to start this, to have a living memory of me before. The idea that I can look back on a glimpse of my life and recount what happened, to me, in the past is a weird one, now looking back it makes me realize how valuable it was. Almost like going back through facebook and remembering all the memories through pictures, except through my own words which is more intimate in a sense.


Even though I'm not in love with the things I said, its nice to see who I was, considering how much I'd like to think I've changed since then. Maybe I've changed less than I think I have, but typing now, and realizing that in the future I'll probably have the same itch I did today to come back and reminisce, is making me want to start this whole writing thing all over again. Either continuing this blog (which is seeming better as I type) or starting a new one being the main question roaming around my thoughts. A new chapter in my life could be nice, considering this blog reflects a past me, that does not exist in every sense any longer. Yet, continuing seems like something which could help me to look back in the future and see the definitive changes that have encompassed me. Its strange to think of a past me, being different, not knowing the same things, and not understanding the same things as I do now.


When I look back on the last year of my life I realize how many thing have changed, including just my overall outlook on life. Even though I don't always like to admit it, school has definitely taught me a lot about life in more ways than I can even fathom, both in and out of the classroom.


Last year I left a year of school being easy, of school never really having to take up a big portion of my life, even though i may have argued with that then. Whereas now I'm, as of a week ago, coming out of the hardest academic year of my life. Just last week when I was in the heat of the end of the school year, I might have said I regretted taking the classes I did, but now looking back I realize how many things I've learned from going through what I did. In the last year, I faced the wrath of the IB program, a program thrust upon students all over the world (the only thing which makes you feel better about it, kids around the entire planet are going through the exact same thing as I am). The thing about it, to be plain, is that it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my seventeen years. It was something which made me want to give up on so many occasions I don't even know how to explain it, and I'm not even done.


When I look back on my classes, I don't think to myself how some of them were a breeze like I did previously in my life, fore they were all hard in their own ways. They were all terrible at some point in time, or so it seemed. From English, which for the first time kicked my butt, to French which I've never been good at, and I struggled at once again, to AP US History, which was literally the hardest class I have ever taken, and honestly will ever take again. To think from tok, a class which helped me really just think about life in a new perspective and write, a lot. To Philosophy, which helped me realize what kind of person I want to be in the future, to Pre-Calc, which kicked my butt in a way a math class has never done before. I can honestly say I came out a better person. Thinking about my grades may make me want to cry, because I don't feel like they reflect the type of person I am, or want to be, but maybe that's what I needed to help kick me out of the bubble of security I was so comfortable in. Thinking about how my grades might affect me in College terrifies me, yet I sit here right now, for once in my life and realize how different I would be had I not gone through them. Somehow I, (me, myself, and I) survived.


In the last year so much has happened to me that I wish I had just written down, and while my life seems as boring as watching grass grow in my mind, I'm starting to realize that in the future being able to look back is the best thing that I can ask for. Because the small moments now, are still the things which shape me into who I'll be for the rest of my life, and remembering some of the small events that help lead to who I'll become is a nice thought.


When I look at the last year as a whole, from the losses, and the breakdowns, to the happy moments its weird to think its all already in my past, just so biter sweet. "Today is the oldest you've ever been, and the youngest you'll ever be again" is a quote which helps to grasp the feeling I've been having lately.  Time goes by so fast and its terrifying. I still, honest to god, remember being ten years old like it was yesterday. As a person I've never been one of those people who has wanted to get older, really, I've been more of the person whose always been afraid to get older, to pass life by, of whats to come. Most people always want to get that one step further, to get to that new level of freedom, yet I've always just been fine where I am, I've always just wanted to stay where I am. It connects to the fact that I'm terrified of things changing I suppose. The idea of not knowing whats to come has always baffled me a little bit, and its getting even worse as time goes bye. Looking to the future I'm starting to realize just how fast its all going to go, and how many big events aren't that far off anymore. Graduating High school is just around the corner, and I don't know if I'm ready for that. I don't know if I'm ready to move out, and live my life on my own, yet its still coming faster than I can fathom.


In the last week I've seen the grade above me, class of 2012, graduate and move on, and to think that's whats in my future, in just one year, is the most mind boggling thing. With them moving on, I can't help but feel a sense of security go away. While I wasn't all that close with anyone two grades ahead of me, a few people but not an overwhelming amount, when it comes to the grade only one above me I'm losing a lot of friends. In the last year, I've gotten so close to so many people who are going to college next year, and just the thought that I won't see them pass me by in the hallways anymore is terrifying. Its comforting to not be the oldest to a certain extent, and even though I'm pumped to be a senior, I'm scared too. To think that little ol' me will be at the top of the food chain that is high school is the craziest thing I've ever heard, considering it feels like I was an itty bitty freshman starting this blog just yesterday. To think in the next year that I'll not only be worrying about my grades, but college applications and acceptances. Hence at this point in time I've only taken the SAT once, and visited three schools.


The last three years have gone by so fast, I've moved schools, moved houses, and grown up a lot. In the last year alone, I've learned so much I don't even know where to start. I've realized the value of a life after seeing people pass away, including the girl I talked about in my last post. last august not only her but another boy I knew passed away, and to say the least, that jerked me into realizing that I can't take life for granted anymore, because we never know how much time we have left. Time is definitely a precious thing, and even though it took tragedy to make me completely figure that out, I'm glad that lesson was learned. I've learned that even when things seem impossible, such as AP US History and Pre-Calc, somehow its always possible to get through if I keep trying. I've learned that the world isn't as much cotton candy and bubble gum as I originally thought. I realized how many things are messed up with the world, but I've also learned how to look at the world through a new perspective of philosophy. I've gone through Existential crisis's, and I've used some of the dumbest things to help myself cope with the amount of stress I've gone through. I've learned how to stand my ground when I was tempted to do things that even though I don't object, don't feel like I should do have crossed my path. I've learned how to pull an actual all nighter, and I think I've learned what it takes to truly be happy.


Even though I've never been completely happy with my life, and even though this year has brought an unreal amount a challenged upon me, I've figured myself through them all, which can only mean anythings possible.  "A rainbow always comes after the storm" rings true in life, and things will always get better and I know that. Happiness isn't something I can just wait for, but something I have to go after.


Over the next summer I've decided that I want to be happy. Plain and simple. That I want to let myself go, because I've always been such an uptight person. I've never really been the one to take risks in order to get what I may want, but I'm willing to do that this summer, I'm willing to go out of my comfort zone I suppose; and I want to blog about my experiences.


This blog post has become a lot more and less than what it was initially intended to be, which I can either dwell on or just let be; I choose the latter.


Sincerely,
-That Girl reflecting on her past, and looking towards the future.

lost in thoughts.

I sit here sick, at twelve-thirty at night. and can't do anything but think.

its definitely been a while since I've posted on this blog.

a lots happened. considering its been over a year,

I guess that's to be expected to a certain extent.

I opened a new blog a few months back. a private one.

but yesterday I came across this one again, read a few of my old posts, most of which were painfully embarrassing to read, and I couldn't contain the urge to write on it again. at least once.

In the past year, I've started and finished sophomore year.

which honestly wasn't as eventful as I wish it had been,

I started a new school, and blah blah blah.

and then came summer. oh summer.

after last summer, the worst summer of my life.

which I guess you know nothing about, and I honestly don't feel like reminiscing in.

but it doesn't matter, its over with now.

this summer was better for the most part.

more forgettable than I had hoped for I suppose.

guess I'll have to wait for next summer to have that amazing, unforgettable summer you always hear about in the movies.

the reason I wanted to make this post,

at this exact moment in time,

was for a few reasons to be quite honest.

I've done a lot of thinking during this insanely hot summer.

a lot of thinking about life in general.

about how lucky I am.

about a lot of things to be blunt.

and today, has definitely made me think even more deeply into that.

today. august twenty-third 2011. two days before my junior year starts.

a lot of events have occurred.

this morning I wake up, just as always.

until ten minutes later when I don't feel quite as amazing.

not the best timing, but not the end of the world either.

just my throat hurting a bit.

I get on facebook to find out a friend of mine is going back to the hospital today, for cancer treatment, because it came back.

taken aback already I do some summer work, as I still have a lot to get done.

my parents go out, and its just me and my sister.

no big deal. not at all.

until the ground starts shaking beneath out feet.

what is this? was all I could think.

as a million things went through my mind,

earthquake was the one I was sure it wasn't, we don't have those here... do we?

well little miss me was wrong.

apparently we do.

I can honestly say that was something I probably won't forget for a while.

it scared me beyond any words I can describe at the moment.

lets fast forward to tonight now,

after going out to dinner, and looking at a house, I get home,

to see a few posts on my friends wall on facebook saying they were praying for her...

what? why would they be praying for her I thought to myself. what could of happened?

come to find out that today, sadly, she was in a car crash with her father.

he died at the scene, and she was rushed to the hospital in critical condition.

the part that really scares me about that, is that there wasn't any warning.

in the blink of an eye, someone can be gone forever. instantly.

death isn't something I've ever been able to fully grasp.

the thought of nothingness. the thought of a person just being gone.

its scared me for as long as I can remember.

Tonight I can honestly say, that for the first time in a while, I prayed.

I'm not a religious person. not at all.

and I can't tell you I know what I believe.

but she deserves my prayers more than anyone.

if you knew this girl, you'd understand.

she's honest to god, one of the nicest, sweetest, and kindest people i have ever met.

and she didn't deserve this.

no one does.

as this post comes to a close, I honestly can't remember how I wanted to end this.

or what message I wanted to portray.

but if I've learned only one thing today, it's that nothing in life is promised.

we only have one life to live, and who knows whats to be thrown at us along the ride.